I am feeling so much indecision these days. Are any of you feeling the same?
Let’s take a simple action like driving into the “big city” of Marquette tomorrow or the next day. I need new summer pajamas, a lightweight hooded sweatshirt and some Nutpods (non dairy coffee creamer). Yes, they could all be purchased online. No, that’s not the whole shopping list. It could be worthwhile to drive 80 miles and back. Plus a person might wander along the Lake Superior shore and breathe in that particular Marquette flavor of beauty.
Another part of me wonders if it’s worth it. Marquette has recorded 146 Covid cases, compared to our county’s five. Plus there’s the added hassle of masking up in four or five stores (although I am an adamant masker). But if my soul is calling for that trip to the east and south–I’m outa here.
Then I wander into the garden. Lucious zucchini plants reveal waving yellow flowers. Broccoli bunch almost ready to knife and harvest. The first long winding cucumber graced Barry’s lunch today. Fresh green rattlesnake beans bake in the August sun. Basil wafts through the garden.
Green poplars sway overhead. Blackberries ripen. Cilantro begs to be picked. Queen Anne’s Lace and mullein decorate the mailbox.
The distant whine of a chainsaw down by the bay warms my heart. A pee-wee sings in the woods. Our firewood pile grows every week. (We’re on Load 14 now, and should fill the shed by Load 18–at the latest–although I’m undecided when we’ll be finished.)
Newly-canned zucchini relish sits on the kitchen counter.
It feels like summer paradise here: rich, holy.
I can’t decide whether to go to Marquette.
“You don’t have to decide,” I reassure myself. “You’ll just know when the time is right–like you always know.” The body sighs in relief. Oh, good. I don’t have to decide now.
A half hour later the voice of indecision announces itself once again. Have been pondering this for two months now. Should I go downstate this summer? What about visiting my mom in assisted living? She’s 87 now. Will I regret not going? Is it OK to wait until spring? (She tells me not to come, to wait. Should I listen?)
*Lyrics: Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know*
There’s the COVID count issue–many more cases the further south you travel in Michigan. There’s the whole nine to ten hour one-way drive. So many cars on the road from every state in the country. Add to that the issue that many folks downstate aren’t really taking the virus seriously. Social distancing and masking? Many times that might prove a huge challenge to negotiate. I’m not allowed in her assisted living building, although she can go out. Do I want to risk being near my mom? Bringing the virus home to Barry or others in the community? Possibly getting sick myself?
Then I look around at the newly-mowed grass. Pause and sip peachy green tea on the deck underneath the green and white umbrella. Meander down our mossy woods road. Hear the cicadas sing their August song. Watch the crazy hummingbirds buzz around the feeder, slurping down their two cups of sugar-water every 24 hours.
Why would a person want to leave? Most of me wants to stay here this summer and fall and winter and continue talking to Mom every day on the phone. Our phone calls are precious beyond precious.
It gets even more serious, readers.
What the heck should I make for dinner? Should I run into town and buy some groceries this afternoon? I have run out of handy ideas–nothing sounds good. (Except the fresh veggies, of course.)
This indecision is exhausting.
I hope you’re all finding it easier to decide. If not, we’re all in this indecisive boat together.