It’s possible–just possible–to drive up the road toward your favorite co-op on a sunny July birthday morning–and watch yourself–who you think you are–completely disappear. An hour earlier you considered yourself a human being in a physical body, a separate distinct human being with quirks and flaws and ego. Suddenly all that is gone. Instead awareness shines out of your eyes. Awareness IS you. It’s been a case of mistaken identity for 52 years but now you see.
This happened to me in July, 2009. After six years of intense meditation and longing to “awaken” to the truth of who we really are–I woke up. But that is wrong. No “I” woke up. I disappeared. And all that remained was the Holy.
What is remembered is that the Holy loved everything it saw. It gazed at stop signs and blue skies and garbage and pine cones with utter delight. Everywhere the eyes lingered it saw Itself materialized in physical form. (This was realized later. On that July day it was just silence and awareness pulsating in love with the world.)
What bliss! The bliss rose from the heart as the constriction of human incarnation lifted. Joy radiated because all the human boundaries released. Oh, the challenges of being human–gone! Just THIS. This seeing, the silent knowing, this delight in everything appearing.
It was everything I dreamed about for years. Forever, maybe. Ahhh, THIS. Wordless. Filled with pulsating feeling and appreciation. Wow.
THIS lasted for days, maybe weeks. I remember visiting Applebee’s and melting in love at the existence of a chinese chicken salad. To think that a chinese chicken salad exists. What a miracle! Why are we blind? Why can’t we see that we’re surrounded by miracles everywhere?
It was seen that THIS is what we really are. Alive awareness. Not the Kathy-person we’ve been pretending to be since we conditioned into a sense of a separate human being. Not Jim, Jenna, Josie. We’re THIS. And somehow we’ve forgotten that we’re completely made of this other awareness/love. Holy schmoly!
Then Kathy started waking up again. Or did she fall asleep again? No matter–the human incarnation re-presented itself. Because it is totally true, too. The ego (the separate sense of self) reasserted itself and began to play the boo-hoo game of, “Oh, no, I had it–but I lost it! I was awake and now I’m not.”
A roller-coaster of emotions presented itself in the following months. The loss of this exquisite awake experience. Then the rising feeling of it again. Then the disappearance filled with deep suffering. Followed by the bliss of remembering. Up and down the roller-coaster traveled.
So a person awakens–or rather falls away. What happens next? It appears that a few people in human history stay that way. They perhaps live in some bliss-filled enlightenment where they truly live and embody the truth of the Holy.
The rest of us? It appears we actually begin a process of embodiment where the light/love attempts to infilter or illuminate or shine in the dark recesses of our unconscious human psyche. The awakening experience can actually be like opening a Pandora’s box where everything still asleep in the psyche clamors toward the light. Or attempts to hide from the light as long as humanely possible.
It can be an endless process of bringing forth every unconscious repressed habit, addiction, compulsion, emotion, thought, belief, feeling. Everything comes forward begging “me next, me next!” Until the me’s return to the light of love.
Is awakening a special experience? Yes, in the sense that it’s a grace-filled gift designed to show some of us slow learners that we are so much more than our limited human selves. No, in the sense that we think we’re anything special. It’s more the opposite. In the embodiment phase of spirituality we realize that we’re actually human beings with foibles and warts and ingrained patterns. The invitation here is to begin to actually accept and acknowledge and develop compassion for our humanity. Welcome humanity, says the Holy. Welcome. Finally you may be ready to meet yourself in Me.
It’s a lifetime of learning now. Not only is there plenty of Kathy to reconcile to love–if we get bored there’s the entire Universe (of which we’ve realized we’re not separate) to love. It’s hard, challenging, awful, wonderful, exciting, horrible, hopeful–it is what it is.
To see the hidden love and illuminate it. Just THIS.
P.S. A lot of souls don’t really need the awakening process first. They start from the human and work to clear upward through the energy. They transcend upward toward the Holy from the base. A few of us awaken to Holy and then move downward to embodiment. It doesn’t matter which direction you travel. Because it’s the Holy traveling through us, as us, thank all the stars in the heaven.
P.S.S. Yesterday’s humorous post about the the “like” button was just another opportunity to shine light into a resistance corner of my psyche. Whenever any trigger or resistance arises–shine, oh ye light! By yesterday evening all resistance to the “like” button had completely disappeared. Now I like the like button. That’s what embodiment looks like from here/now.
P.S.S.S I would love to hear your experiences of awakening or Oneness, too. Or glimpses you’ve experienced into the horizon of the Holy.
Day 30 of a seventy-five day journey to connect more deeply with God, Spirit, Holy, Love…to explore “What the Heart Knows” during the waning days of 2020.
It seems we are walking pretty parallel hikes in the woods…what I love is the trust that builds, even when night terrors come – or no sleep at all – there is this sweet AHHH behind it all. the urge to just breathe with it.
this morning a strong old dark pattern came up – and at first, I identified with it completely – then there was just this giggle-insight ” you can just EMBRACE all of that old energy.
No fixing. No judging. But a lot of giggles around it. When I worked as a therapist full time, we were always amazed of the way the process unexpectedly would turn into giggles. I am sure giggling and nonsensepoeming is part of God’s favorite activities. If you know what I mean with activities 🙂
Leelah, I am smiling reading about your experience. You so get this whole embodiment process. It sounds like you are able to meet what is arising–and to even giggle! I am not sure I have giggled with the dark patterns yet, but now hope to see it happen. 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. Much love to you.
awakening to living in grace. fluid and fleeting yet so wonderfully real ❤ thank you for this today. many of your words moved right past the head and into the heat ❤ this kindredness is food for my spirit ❤
Ceora, I love how your read past the concepts into the heart. That is so wonderful. So happy to have met you recently and that you are enjoy this blog. Kindred spirits, indeed. ❤
The roller coast of life is filled with ups, downs, twists, and turns … yet – staying focused on the light throughout the journey is a key factor.
What a perfect way of saying this Frank. The crazy roller coaster of life! But there’s a light in the eye of God that holds the roller coaster as it goes up and down. Thank you so very much.
I think any awakening experiences I’ve had have been small glimpses, usually when I’m in nature and inspired by awe at how amazing the world is. That is sometimes balanced by darker thoughts of how cruel the world can be, but sometimes I’m just amazed at the fact that this world exists at all.
Andrea, thanks for sharing your glimpses–it’s amazing how the glimpses can “make it right in the world”. Although the darkness can be so challenging, so very heartbreaking. I do so appreciate getting to know you and hearing of your own feelings and experiences. Thank you again.
Kathy, thank you for sharing this intensely personal journey with us. It sounds very much like a religious experience to me and reminds me of one I had maybe a few years later than yours. What a wonderful feeling, to “wake up” this way and see life with new eyes!
Debbie, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It kinda felt important to tell this story here on the blog–to perhaps explain to readers what informs my entire spirituality and beliefs. There’s something of this experience in every post I write–even the silly ones. *smile* I am happy to hear that you’ve experienced a religious awakening that still speaks to you to this day. Many blessings to you!
Your experience reminds me of such in Eat, Pray, Love. That was the most poignant part of her memoir to me – awakening, and as soon as she acknowledged that she wanted to stay that way, (and inserted her ego into to awakening), it was gone.
I would love to love the human side of myself, because we humans reflect or are a part of the Holy, and to experience that sort of epiphany, we can’t deny ourselves of ourselves. Alas, the only time I have ever felt the manifestation of the divine within is when I was alone on a mountain.
Stacy, it’s so funny–the minute ego rears its head and tries to get an experience for itself–POOF! Because, I think it’s really not the ego having the experience. It’s the ego dropping away.
It feels a beautiful image to me–of you on that mountain, alone, with the Holy. And isn’t it interesting that the Holy wants us to learn to love our humanity? I am so humbled by that, and still learning how to do this every day.
I would like your comment, but this comment will have to suffice. 😉
Lol, funny lady!
The glimpses I’ve had that seem similar to yours I’ve always called moments of transcendence and the only words I’ve ever been able to find to describe them are that time seems to stand still, the moment becomes eternity. And my body melts into the universe and expands to infinity. This has happened often since early childhood but has never lasted as long as your experience in 2009. But the memory of those junctures keeps me filled with love.
And filled with wonder…
Amen sister to that wonder!
Barbara, I was hoping you might read this and share your own experiences. Those moments are transcendence can be such peaks–and also keep pointing us toward Presence and the gifts of realizing what’s always here, beyond those transcendent moments. With you in remembering these moments with love. Thank you. ❤
Thank you for sharing this very personal and beautiful universal experience Kathy. Putting it into words isn’t easy, as it is about a change at our very core of how we live, love and see the world. I am grateful that I am able to dip back deeply into loving awareness. The ebb and flow of life does get in the way … or rather reinforces the way. Keep shining the light Kathy.💕
Thank you for your comment, Val. It is very challenging to put this into words. It’s like a person can only hint at the edges or point toward the moon. Dipping back into loving awareness–that is a sweet way to express it. xoxo
I LOVE this post…your descriptions are wonderful! It is exactly as you describe, that push-pull. We want, want want to be one with the universe, a part of the big movement of growth and destruction, beauty, excitement and calm. At the same time, we long for the feel of our own protective skin, our own individual successes and glories. You said it perfectly!
Cindy, now you’ve said it very succinctly, too. Both of those movements dancing together. Your enthusiasm has made me smile ear-to-ear.
Nice insights. I sent you my short story about my awakening. So you already know mine. I don’t fight to try and get back there anymore, because when I can’t, I get upset with myself. I simply accept what is and am grateful that I awakened at all. The experience is awe inspiring with no words to describe it exactly.
It’s my belief that this awakened state is what Jesus lived in consistently. I’m going to share something personal – I fit in nowhere in this life. I’m an outsider wherever I go. I consider myself a Christian, but Christians do not consider me a Christian because I believe Jesus’ story to be something different than what we’ve been conditioned to believe. So I don’t fit in with the conservative political bunch because most are fundamentalist Christians. On the other hand, I believe we are here to have the freedom to explore duality, even though we are not separate. I believe freedom is essential for learning….for spiritual growth, and the liberal side of the political spectrum stifles that value of mine.
Thus, I fit in nowhere.
I’ve always been in outsider all of my life.
“Relish the opportunity to be an outsider. Embrace that label. Because it’s the outsiders who change the world and who make a real and lasting difference.”
Lori, I remember your awakening story. Was so glad that you shared it with me. Such a precious individual/Universal experience. And I do agree that Jesus must have experienced that state continuously.
I love the quote about relishing the opportunity to be an outsider. It sounds like you have embraced that fully. It can be so very hard not to fit in, but then there’s the good feeling of making your own way. Thanks for sharing that personal bit. Blessings…
Very interesting post. Never in my life, have I felt enlightened nor found Holy and certainly never felt Holy. But I feel some sort of connection with the universe and nature.
I think you’ve probably felt the Holy in your connection with the universe and nature, Yvonne. But perhaps you never called it that? Perhaps you just called it a connection. Thanks for reading. ❤
I remember being along for the ride from a social media distance when you had that experience.
I did have more than one of my own – two distinct phases at very different times, of very different types. The first I was young without a mentor or any spiritual understanding at all, just indoctrinated into religion – it was crazy and got me committed for observation but released in just a few days because I wasn’t actually mentally ill but touched by the Holy.
The second time, I did an experiment presented to me, and after a few days – something shifted. It was gentler but words took on a decided new meaning they didn’t have before and I realized it had all been there all along.
I’m now reading a book, Healing the Split, that Che Steele recommended to me – it is about different kinds of altered consciousness experiences – both transcendent and what would be of the mental illness kind. It is proving fascinating but I’m not far into it yet.
I figured you might be one of the few people who would remember this experience, Deb. What a good memory you have! I also remember you talking about your experiences you’ve had. You know, I think it can be very disconcerting and perhaps dangerous when one awakens prematurely. A lot of people with no background or understanding really struggle when something like this happens. It’s not always pretty. I’ve always felt that some of mental illness is like a partial opening into the Holy that somehow never hatches through. Not sure about that analogy…but you probably understand. I saw that book on your Facebook and it looked interesting.
I may have already told you, or talked about it in a blog post, of the time in my life, just after my mother passed, when my third baby was less than a year old, I couldn’t talk for days. I had acute pharyngitis, which when I look back now I understand that the illness was a reaction to my mother leaving me. So for several days, I wrote messages to my husband. In the beginning I felt frustrated at not being able to communicate in the way I was accustomed to, yet by the time my throat had healed, I didn’t want to talk. My mind felt so calm and clear, and it gave me an appreciation for the monks who take a vow of silence. To me, it was like an awakening. It seemed that amid the negative, I learned a significant positive lesson.
You know, now that you’re telling this story–I do kinda remember you sharing it before. Thanks for telling it again. Yes, that calm and clarity that can come in silence. So beautiful… By the way, Joanne, speaking of memory, how did we meet? Was it here in the blogging world or were you part of a spiritual group called Gaia? I know it’s been many years, but can’t recall our exact meeting.
Ummmmmm … blogging, but I don’t remember how I found you! Maybe through Robin? When I think about it, I realise that I met a lot of my blogging friends through Robin. It’s funny, because Frank asked me the same question the other day, and I gave him the same answer – Robin! That’s when I started considering where I’d made connections with other blogging friends. 🙂
This makes perfect sense–I am sure we probably did meet through Robin. How funny that Frank wanted to know, too.