It’s possible–just possible–to drive up the road toward your favorite co-op on a sunny July birthday morning–and watch yourself–who you think you are–completely disappear. An hour earlier you considered yourself a human being in a physical body, a separate distinct human being with quirks and flaws and ego. Suddenly all that is gone. Instead awareness shines out of your eyes. Awareness IS you. It’s been a case of mistaken identity for 52 years but now you see.
This happened to me in July, 2009. After six years of intense meditation and longing to “awaken” to the truth of who we really are–I woke up. But that is wrong. No “I” woke up. I disappeared. And all that remained was the Holy.
What is remembered is that the Holy loved everything it saw. It gazed at stop signs and blue skies and garbage and pine cones with utter delight. Everywhere the eyes lingered it saw Itself materialized in physical form. (This was realized later. On that July day it was just silence and awareness pulsating in love with the world.)
What bliss! The bliss rose from the heart as the constriction of human incarnation lifted. Joy radiated because all the human boundaries released. Oh, the challenges of being human–gone! Just THIS. This seeing, the silent knowing, this delight in everything appearing.
It was everything I dreamed about for years. Forever, maybe. Ahhh, THIS. Wordless. Filled with pulsating feeling and appreciation. Wow.
THIS lasted for days, maybe weeks. I remember visiting Applebee’s and melting in love at the existence of a chinese chicken salad. To think that a chinese chicken salad exists. What a miracle! Why are we blind? Why can’t we see that we’re surrounded by miracles everywhere?
It was seen that THIS is what we really are. Alive awareness. Not the Kathy-person we’ve been pretending to be since we conditioned into a sense of a separate human being. Not Jim, Jenna, Josie. We’re THIS. And somehow we’ve forgotten that we’re completely made of this other awareness/love. Holy schmoly!
Then Kathy started waking up again. Or did she fall asleep again? No matter–the human incarnation re-presented itself. Because it is totally true, too. The ego (the separate sense of self) reasserted itself and began to play the boo-hoo game of, “Oh, no, I had it–but I lost it! I was awake and now I’m not.”
A roller-coaster of emotions presented itself in the following months. The loss of this exquisite awake experience. Then the rising feeling of it again. Then the disappearance filled with deep suffering. Followed by the bliss of remembering. Up and down the roller-coaster traveled.
So a person awakens–or rather falls away. What happens next? It appears that a few people in human history stay that way. They perhaps live in some bliss-filled enlightenment where they truly live and embody the truth of the Holy.
The rest of us? It appears we actually begin a process of embodiment where the light/love attempts to infilter or illuminate or shine in the dark recesses of our unconscious human psyche. The awakening experience can actually be like opening a Pandora’s box where everything still asleep in the psyche clamors toward the light. Or attempts to hide from the light as long as humanely possible.
It can be an endless process of bringing forth every unconscious repressed habit, addiction, compulsion, emotion, thought, belief, feeling. Everything comes forward begging “me next, me next!” Until the me’s return to the light of love.
Is awakening a special experience? Yes, in the sense that it’s a grace-filled gift designed to show some of us slow learners that we are so much more than our limited human selves. No, in the sense that we think we’re anything special. It’s more the opposite. In the embodiment phase of spirituality we realize that we’re actually human beings with foibles and warts and ingrained patterns. The invitation here is to begin to actually accept and acknowledge and develop compassion for our humanity. Welcome humanity, says the Holy. Welcome. Finally you may be ready to meet yourself in Me.
It’s a lifetime of learning now. Not only is there plenty of Kathy to reconcile to love–if we get bored there’s the entire Universe (of which we’ve realized we’re not separate) to love. It’s hard, challenging, awful, wonderful, exciting, horrible, hopeful–it is what it is.
To see the hidden love and illuminate it. Just THIS.
P.S. A lot of souls don’t really need the awakening process first. They start from the human and work to clear upward through the energy. They transcend upward toward the Holy from the base. A few of us awaken to Holy and then move downward to embodiment. It doesn’t matter which direction you travel. Because it’s the Holy traveling through us, as us, thank all the stars in the heaven.
P.S.S. Yesterday’s humorous post about the the “like” button was just another opportunity to shine light into a resistance corner of my psyche. Whenever any trigger or resistance arises–shine, oh ye light! By yesterday evening all resistance to the “like” button had completely disappeared. Now I like the like button. That’s what embodiment looks like from here/now.
P.S.S.S I would love to hear your experiences of awakening or Oneness, too. Or glimpses you’ve experienced into the horizon of the Holy.
Day 30 of a seventy-five day journey to connect more deeply with God, Spirit, Holy, Love…to explore “What the Heart Knows” during the waning days of 2020.