I find it so fascinating. If you write a blog post about being So done with it, So done with it you’ll get lots of people flocking over to read. If you scribble about annoyance, anger, restlessness, sadness, grief–here come the readers.
You share about joy & light & love? Not so much. I’ve watched this play out hundreds of time in the last twelve years of public writing. (Writing a post entitled The home of our true heart won’t entice anyone except those truly longing to find it. Or perhaps those who’ve discovered it. Or those intuitively knowing it exists.)
There is something in the human psyche that longs to explore negativity, darkness, human suffering. A part of the psyche seems inexplicably drawn to it. The more challenge the better.
You’d think it would be the opposite. We’d be running and kickin’ our heels up toward happiness and inspiration and love. But no, we’re drawn to drama after drama. We’ve got things to say when negativity arises–yes, yes, I’ve felt this, too–we resonate. This is how you should act to make things better–we advise (until we learn that the best medicine is usually just listening and accompanying our friend through whatever she’s feeling).
I participated in a spiritual group for two years. Watched this same dynamic at play. If you shared your sorrows, your pain, your aching heart–you got kudos, warmth and compassion. If you wrote about love vibrating everywhere, the Holy’s beaming light, beaconing joy–how nice, but where’s the juice? Who do you think you are to zing with joy? C’mon, get real.
We all say we want happily-ever-after, but do we really?
We also like to blame news media for blah-de-blah negativity. Where are the good stories, the shining news? we scornfully shame. Yet we’re the same ones with the same psyches repeatedly drawn back to drama-filled stories, fast-paced novellas, histrionic, scary or violent movies, evil vs. good scenarios. We’re the ones who read the media’s drama and often pass by the lovely, beautiful and inspiring. The media has learned well what our psyches crave.
Yesterday I felt so much joy. The lips curved up into a half-smile almost all day. (They’re curving up now, just remembering.) It felt like a magical mystical Sunday. The Holy danced everywhere in happiness. Positivity bloomed like a Christmas cactus, and sure enough, I spotted our first pink flower.
I said the word at least fifty times throughout the day: Joy, Joy, Joy. It appeared instantaneously. When sadness arose, joy threw its arms around it and hugged. When my knee hurt, joy asked what was needed.
What a lovely day!
I used to think this state was the be-all, the end-all. When you zing in joy all the live-long day, you’ll be enlightened.
If I just behaved properly, or figured things out without making mistakes, joy would finally decide to live within this human body. It would take up residence ceaselessly and every day be a joy-party with little teacups and peppermint tea and happy -ever-after laughter.
But that never happened. Joy never did decide to live endlessly in our little house in the woods.
Instead, life kept arising with its many, many faces. Here’s sadness, hello, welcome back. Here’s pissed-off-ness, yep, hi there, old friend. Here’s hot anger because someone’s not getting it, hello, shall we get the kettle going or do you just want to shout?
Hello darkness my old friend…I’ve come to talk with you again…
Why are we drawn to darkness? Because it’s a quest some of us are called to make. We pilgrims of the soul. Setting sail into the unknown of the psyche, discovering the unconscious, priming it with the light of awareness.
Slowly, slowly, slowly I began waking up to reality. This ever-changing moment is what’s real. What’s here is my religion. Not some faraway hopeful la-de-da joy state where God blesses a good human being with an angelic crown of lilies. And what’s real is what’s appearing, no matter what form it takes. God comes down from heaven to populate the human world with human emotions and brings love within it. The transcended state is groovy, but THIS is where it’s at, baby.
Last night I woke abruptly at 2:30. No joy to be found. Just reality, thoughts, emotions flooding in from all directions. I got up and sat with what was arising. You, you, you, hello there again, here we are.
For two hours I sat with it all. Every swift-changing anxiety, pain, smile, delight, ache, annoyance. The Holy shimmered throughout whispering thank you, thank you, thank you. I saw clearly–utterly clearly–how the Holy accompanies us through everything. How it descends into the human moment and brings its love HERE. How utterly loved we are. How we think we’re doing it wrong when we’re suffering, but we’re not doing it wrong. We’ve never been doing it wrong…
There’s not a hair’s breadth difference between us and the Holy Heart. It’s only clouded as we resist what’s happening. It wants to bring its love-light into the darkness. It wants to illuminate the entire sphere.
THIS is the joy that can’t be spoken, that sounds like nonsense, but sometimes appears to us in the middle of a sleepless night or soft morning if we surrender to what is. This is a joy beyond joy. If you’re still reading this 752 words later you may be someone who senses the truth of this, even though other parts of you shake your head and say no, no, no, that’s not true for me.
Wishing you whatever appears in your day, my friends. Whatever life is bringing you–a picnic lunch or a bumped noggin. But also wishing that we can all journey deeper into serenity with what’s arising. That we can feel guided by something so much larger than our stories. There’s a way of surrendering into the moment that brings only joy. But it’s through the moment, not bypassing it. It’s the storybook mythical character who takes her staff and begins the journey through the underworld until she meets her very own true home–the home of her true heart.
Day 58 of a seventy-five day journey to connect more deeply with God, Spirit, Holy, Love…to explore “What the Heart Knows” during the waning days of 2020.