Some of you have been wondering where the heck my blog post Prayer for the teensy weensy spider went. A few faithful readers received their email yesterday inviting them to visit Lake Superior Spirit and discover the whys and wherefores of that wee creepy crawlie. Imagine their surprise when no such post appeared here.
“Page not found” says the link, according to John and Sybil and Pam.
These dear readers sent messages, comments and emails inquiring “what the heck happened to your post?”
OK, here’s the good, the bad and the ugly.
I had a terrible day yesterday.
It wasn’t one of those light cheerful loving delighted connected singing days. It wasn’t happy, delighted or inspired. It felt challenging from sunrise to sunset and beyond. Nothing hugely awful happened. It just all felt wrong and sad and impossible.
First, I had not left the house since Friday. Had accomplished the to-do list by early Saturday morning. Nothing outside our little house beckoned. It was one of those “long weekends” and not the cheerful kind.
My health challenges have continued since this blog post in July. Fortunately, I have an appointment with a gastrointestinal specialist with Marshfield Clinic in Wisconsin (via a closer satellite clinic in Minoqua, WI) in December. While this is not an acute challenge, it’s still an ongoing chronic issue that keeps on keepin’ on. It wears on a person, as those of you with chronic health issues will recognize.
I awoke on Monday morning to snow falling steadily in the woods. My dear friend Ruth and I had to cancel our morning tea date, thanks to too much unplowed snow in both driveways. By late afternoon when Barry plowed we had about ten inches. The weather folk had predicted three.
It seemed apropos to write a blog post. I scurried to the computer and began typing. This one was titled “Trying to decide” and it carried on for maybe 700 words about how WordPress is holding me hostage for $96 and will not allow any further blog posts to be written until yours truly coughs up the annual fee. It was a kinda funny post until it started losing steam in the middle. By the 701st word I trashed it. Forget this. Apparently blogging isn’t working today.
The straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back: Barry forgot to bring home the requested bar of dark chocolate. I almost wept. It was getting desperate, friends. I attempted to remind myself of what really counts in life. Of humans with REAL struggles. Of horror stories in the news.
That only compounded my angst.
After dinner I attempted one last creative post about the before-mentioned teensy weensie spider. It involved God and spirituality and spiders. It was a heartfelt prayer begging the Universe. (It really didn’t have much to do with spiders, although I COULD tell you a story about spiders that would scare your socks off.)
Pushed “Publish” before thinking derailed the second blog post of the day. About five minutes later I pushed “Delete”. It just felt wrong. Too much angst. Too much fuss. Too much transcendence. Too much positivity. Too much, too little, too wrong.
Kind of like the entire day.
The Internet then went out, sticking out its tongue as it disappeared. So much for my two hour online spiritual class. I went to bed.
Except, of course, we wake up the next day. This morning it’s not snowing. The sun isn’t shining, but it’s not snowing. Town beckons. A cup of coffee tastes delicious. I listened to a spiritual audio and felt this heart escaping the confines of yesterday’s jail and breaking out into a quiet sense of peace.
I vow to keep this heart open always. Why in the world had it shut down this weekend? This is a vow I make and break a thousand times. Don’t you? The heart opens, it closes. The heart opens, it closes.
Part of me dreams that someday the breathing heart will stay open forevermore. That all our breathing hearts will stay wide open and that love shall prevail. In the meantime, let’s hold each other up during those times when we’re struggling. Let’s take turns standing in the dark and then pointing to the rising sun.
P.S. Part of me wants to delete this post, too. It feels too “all about me”. Yet, I suspect we’ve all had days like this so maybe it’s “all about us”. xoxoxo